Gossip Girl Keeps It In The Family
Posted by KAT in Gossip GirlJanuary 6th, 2009, 12:49 PM
OMFG! The post-holiday return of Gossip Girl saw three big storylines:
1) Li’l J goes back to school and tries to dethrone the girls on the steps. Snooze.
2) Serena and Dan are back together, unaware that their parents totally had a looooovechild!
3) Chuck, the crazy drunk orphan, is back in town and Blair loves him!
I think it’s safe to say no one cares about #3, so let’s move on.
To #2! So basically, as implied in the last episode, turns out that Serena’s mom Lily and Dan’s dad Rufus had a baby together, which Lily put up for adoption without telling Rufus. Rufus is FLIPPING OUT because he thinks it’s his duty to be BEST DAD EVER! to lovechild even though lovechild would probably be totally grossed out if he found out he was fathered by a mildly-successful ’90s alt-rocker. Lincoln Hawk? That’s lamer than even like, Big Head Todd and the Monsters. NOT impressive. But anyway, Rufus is on a mission to find lovechild and keep Dan from dating Serena.
But Dan finds out about lovechild! And he’s sooooo weirded out, because sharing a sibling with Serena is basically the same thing as hooking up with Li’l J.
Personally, I don’t think it’s THAT bad. They’re still not related! Their kids won’t even be deformed or nothin’. And besides, the royal family is alllll about incest, so it totally elevates them to a higher class. Watch Cruel Intentions and snap out of it, Dan.
Enough about that. The ep ends with Rufus and Lily en route to find lovechild and pull him from the warm nest of his safe, stable, loving family in order to chill out with a bunch of losers on the Upper East Side.
As for #3, this one’s a potential doozy. Basically, Chuck’s creepy Uncle Jack (played by Dexter’s Desmond Harrington!) shows up and pulls Chuck from the Thai opium den he’s been chillin’ in (because it’s the 19th century, apparently) and brings him home. Chuck’s all nonstop wasted and acting like Matthew McConaughey at Burning Man and getting in trouble and being a jerk to Blair. So Blair tries to forget about him by joining the exclusive “Colony Club”, which basically consists of a bunch of 40-year-old housewives who clearly watch too much Gossip Girl (losers!). Blair bounces on the club in favor of saving Chuck and runs off to find him at his burlesque club, Victrola, which is starting to remind me of P.F. Chang’s, were P.F. Chang’s to get sexy.
So at Victrola, blah blah stuff happens, then Chuck’s basically standing on a ledge and Blair talks him down with her love! And then Uncle Jack puts him in a car and Blair says to Uncle Jack, “He can’t know what happened. On New Years.”
Say what?!?!?! Are you trying to imply Blair hooked up with leathery Uncle Jack, television writers? Why, I never!
So that’s that. Just a bunch of borderline incest up in this piece. Whaeva. I’m anticipating a great season nonetheless cuz, duh, it’s a show about attractive teens. Oh, and feast your eyes on this little nugget: the return of Georgina!!! She’ll be dosing our drinks in no time.
xoxo!
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