Yes, there is a show called The Biggest Loser, but that’s not what this post is regarding.  I’m talkin’ ’bout all our fave peeps who sucked it up this year and can’t wait for 2k8 to be over!

Sarah Palin

She made us all chortle with her folksy dumbassness, charmed us with her MILFy makeovers and catchy catch phrases, and inspired a porno, but ultimately cost old man McCain the presidential election and set the feminist plight back 4-5 years (says me, okay?).  And kudos to her 18-year-old daughter Bristol for poppin’ a baby maverick out last week.  Sucks to be you, Sarah Palin!

Hey, does anyone else think Sarah Palin sort of looks like Tina Fey?

Aaron Rose

For weeks and weeks Gossip Girl fans had to sit around watching Serena prance about town with ugly, pretentious Brooklyn artist Aaron and wonder what she saw in him.  The crappy art?  The armpit-hairesque goatee?  The blank, lifeless gaze?  Even Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar called the TV version of her character “slimy,” while real-life Brooklyn artist Aaron Rose wishes they had made him “cooler.”

Guess what!  Rumor has it we’ll never have to see Aaron Rose again!  They gonna write him out lickety-split as if he were Judy Winslow on Family Matters.  Sucks to be you, fake Aaron Rose!

Jennifer Aniston

Now this next one’s an oldie but a goodie.  Doi, former Friends star Jennifer Aniston is one of 2008’s biggest losers.  First, there’s that whole “uncool” thing, where she basically lets us all know she totally still writes about Brangelinagate in her diary.  And THEN, when that somewhat dies down, she whips out her self-tanner, poses naked in GQ (I’m 40 and fabulous, you guys!) and says a bunch of unfunny things about the Jolie-Pitts in an effort to convince us she’s got a sense of humor about the whole thing.  You could smell the desperation!

She’s basically that girl you dumped 4 years ago who sleeps with all your friends to get your attention, friend requests your current girlfriend on Facebook, and tells your mutual buds that you really hurt her but she’s so glad you’re out of her life now and is totally ready to move on, watch out, 2009, it’s a new me!

It was FOUR YEARS AGO, hypothetical crazy girl!

That one was for all you heterosexual gentlemen out there.  Sucks to be you, Jennifer Aniston!

The Economy

Oh noes!  I can has bank loan?

Oopsies!  The economy totally sucks and everyone’s losing their job and Dorothea Lange isn’t even around to photograph how bummed we all are so we can show our kids later.  MEGA BUMMER!

Sucks to be you, economy!

Cheersies all around!  Here’s to an awesome 2009, from Square Eyes!

Ever the trendsetter, I’ve decided that 2008 is sooo last year, so let’s book it to 2009 with old man Clark, get plastered, suck face with a random when the ball drops and get funky fresh like Ross and Monica’s NYE dance routine on Friends:

Happy New Year - see you in ‘09!

What’s this wafting toward me? A new reality show to indulge in? I’m talking Top Chef, folks! It’s taken 5 seasons, but I’m officially addicted - it satisfies my foodiephilia like whoa.

Some might say Top Chef’s got all the right ingredients to compose a successful reality TV recipe:

1) talented chefs competing to prove they’re the Top Chef (duh)

2) monstrous, souffle-like egos

3) timed challenges that test contestants’ creativity and cooking skills under fire

4) peeps running amuck with boiling liquids and knives in-hand

5) judges (model Padma Lakshmi and chef Tom Colicchio) who aren’t afraid to lambaste contestants and/or spit their dishes out in disgust

6) guests judges like Anthony Bourdain and my fave, Martha Stewart

7) glossy, close-ups of food porn

Mmm, mmm good! This cast is a smidge uneven, but so far I like Hosea Rosenberg from Colorado, and being from the Bay, I’ve gotta give some support to San Francisco’s sassy Absinthe Bar chef Jamie Lauren, too.

Catch the rest of Top Chef’s latest season set in New York City on Bravo, Wednesday nights at 10pm! And don’t forget to tip your waitress on the way out.

Who says there’s nothing new to watch over the holidays?  We got two crappy spin-offs of The Hills premiering TONIGHT on MTV!

First, at 9 p.m., we’ve got mega-douche and L.C. ex Brody Jenner’s new reality series, Bromance.  Bromance will follow a group of probable douchebags as they compete to be part of Brody’s entourage.

Hmmm.  I wonder what his farewell line will be as he kicks bros off - who could top TTYN (i.e. “talk to you never”) from Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, after all?  Might I suggest “Time to bro out, dude”, or perhaps a simple “Later, braaah”?

Next up, at 10 p.m., we’ll be joining doe-eyed former L.C. co-worker Whitney Port on The City.  The City follows Whitney to New York, where she’ll be working for fashion designer Diane von Fürstenberg.

Hey you guuuuys!  I’ve got an idea!  Let’s take the most boring, private, introverted character from an already-snoozy reality series and give her her own show!

Oh wait, that’s not a new idea, that’s just The City, premiering tonight! Snooze cruise!  Whit, I think you’re a real classy chick, but you’d better spice things up in NYC if you expect me to stay up past 10 p.m. watching your show.

Can’t wait to tune in tonight and fall asleep in front of the TV.  Yawnzies!  Let me know what happens in the morning.

Do I talk about Michael Cera too much?  Probs.  He’s one of those fellas I love to hate, but also love to love.  I wouldn’t call it a love-hate thing, because at this point it’s essentially 80% love.  Okay, 90%.  Okay, I exclusively love to love him.  I even watched a good 20 minutes of his li’l skit page, Clark and Michael, over the holidays even though it basically bored me to tears.  Sometimes I just can’t stop myself from staring at that cherubic face.  You know, the one with the skin like porcelain and the eyes like sunshine.  No biggie.

But ANYWAY!  Michael Cera news!  Sort of.

So basically, the creator of Gilligan’s Island, Sherwood Schwartz, and his son Lloyd, are moving forward with a movie adaptation of the classic TV show, and they want my man Mike to play Gilligan!

No word yet on whether or not M.C. is interested.  I think he’d be great!

And as another Michael Cera-related FYI, Gob and Maeby are basically on board for Arrested Development: The Movie, for those of you still keeping score.  Thanks again, Defamer.

Hmmm… I wonder what Michael Cera’s doing right now…

Chomp up those last few advent calendar chocolates, kiddies, it’s almost Xmas time!

This time of year is good for 3 things: family, food, and TV.  I could go on about the holy trinity of holiday timez all day, but let’s face it, folks, we should probably just stick to TV.

I’ve got a grip of favorite holiday episodes that I’m not afraid to pull out off the top of my head.  Prepare to be dazzled by my TV memory and holiday cheer:

- The episode in seas 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Brenda brings that homeless Santa dude home with her for Xmas and the Walshes are like HELLO! This is Beverly Hills, not Minnesota!  That homeless man could be Gary Busey on a bender! But then it turns out okay cuz homeless people that you help on Xmas are actually probs just real Santa testing you.

- The episode of Saved By The Bell where Zack meets some babe at the mall and then finds out her dad is homeless or something and takes em all home but no one freaks out cuz they’re reasonably attractive.

- The episode of My So-Called Life where Rickie is kicked out of his house and Angela goes looking for him with the help of a homeless gal played by singer-songwriter Juliana Hatfield who is clearly an angel, and NOT Santa testing you.

- The episode of The O.C. where no one is homeless but there’s Chrismukkah(!), a holiday Seth created on account of having a Jewish dad and Protestant mom.  It’s characterized by eight days of presents and one day of many presents.  The Seth / Summer / Anna love triangle is in full swing, but Summer beats Anna’s clever, thoughtful gift by dressing up as Wonder Woman.  Sex it up for the holidays, ladies!

- The episode of The Office where Michael gets dumped by Carol because he superimposes his head on her ex-husband’s body in a family photo.  Andy convinces him to go to Benihana to perk up, where they pick up two waitresses and take them to the two competing office holiday parties (Pam/Karen vs. Angela).  Michael can’t tell the Benihana waitresses apart, so he marks his date’s arm with a Sharpie.  HA!

- Honorable mentions: Seinfeld’s Festivus episode and “The One With The Holiday Armadillo” on Friends.

If you haven’t seen any of these, go watch ‘em on blinkx Remote.  Square Eyes will be on vacay starting tomorrow, so you won’t have anything to keep your spirits up anyway. And I would really hate for you to turn to the bottle on our account.

Happy Hols, everyone!

Yo!  Have you seen the latest Gossip Girl promo?  Peep this:

How amazing is that?  Not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I looooove when Chuck gets drunk and acts out.  It’s what any self-respecting playboy who just lost his father and is en route to inheriting millions would do.  Good luck trying to prove me otherwise, suckers!

And in case you liked the song in the promo, it’s ‘Do I Have Your Attention?’ by The Blood Arm.  Catchy, no?

Oh, excuse me, am I writing about Gossip Girl again?  I’M SO SORRY!!!  What’s that?  You’d prefer I wrote about like, Prison Break and shows with ugly people with bad outfits?

Thanks, but no thanks! Get your own TV blog, losers.

More Gossip Girl blogging in 2k9, effective January 5th.  Can’t wait!

Looks like MTV is squeezing the last drops of music out of its programming.  Variety reports that MTV will be adding sixteen new reality shows over the next few months.

(Yes, smartass, I realize it’s AP style to not spell out 16, but sixteen looks so much better than 16, you feelin’ me?  Thanks.)

Apparently ratings have dropped a full 23% in MTV’s core demo of 12-to-34-year-olds and they’re bummin’.  Even The Hills viewership is plummeting!

OH NOES!  Give the people what they want! REALITY, PLZ!

Now, as a gal who looooves zoning out and watching 4 hours of music videos straight, I’ve got mixed feelings.  I love a good music block… though I’ll also admit, when My Super Sweet 16 came out, I was over the moon.  I guess we’ll all have to resort to watching vids à la carte online exclusively.  Here’s a good start.

OMG!  Did Internet kill the video star?!

Deep, right?

So anyway.  In case you’re wondering what MTV has in store for us, peep this list of producers all backing different shows: Sean Combs, Matt Stone & Trey Parker, Donald Trump and Nick Lachey.  There’s gotta be SOMETHING good in there.

And better yet, get stoked on the confirmed MTV College Humor show.  Jake and Amir hit the big screen!

Hit it or quit it, folks.  Hit it or quit it.

Oh snap!  Simon Cowell is considering peacing out on American Idol!

The fiesty Brit told reporters on Wednesday that he’ll make a final decision regarding his judge-ship sometime next year.  The workload is getting to him!

Personally, I’d be sad to see him go.  His brutal honesty and conflict-making are among my favorite things about the show.  To be honest, I don’t think I could sit through another season of spiky-haired dudes with frosted tips and really great “individual style” without him.

That’s bitchy, dawg.  Lawlz!

Additionally!  That Paula Abdul really needs to be kept in check.  When she’s not left speechless and teary-eyed by performances, she’s gettin’ drunk on daytime TV.  Behave, Paula!

And besides!  My dad really likes Simon.  He appreciates a man with standards.  In fact, they always agree when it comes to assessing contestant performances (”Simon and I agree 100% of the time” - Daddy, 2008).

I like to see my dad happy.  Don’t leave us, Simon!

Arrested Development: The Movie updates! Lucille’s in.  Buster’s in.  Where you at, Maeby?

Suck it, George Michael! Shoot, isn’t there a poor man’s Michael Cera out there to do the part in case he’s too busy making mixtapes to participate?

Q: Who is the poor man’s Michael Cera (assuming he’s not a poor man’s someone else)?  Please leave your answers in the comments section.

Everything in this post courtesy of Defamer, ya freak bitch!  <3!