Emmy committee, you might as well just give Kim her Emmy now…

Kim Kardashian, like many reality TV stars, is a bit of a conundrum. As we all know, reality shows along the lines of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are pretty far from “reality,” with producers and behind the scenes editors coaching out intriguing twists and manufacturing easy to publicize drama. And on the show Kim “acts” all the time. Are we really supposed to believe she had a heart to heart with her mom about whether its normal to not want to see your husband? Obviously not, it was a scene created to play up her divorce. She was acting. So then why is she so terrible at acting acting? We’re going to find out if her years on reality TV have helped her improve at all when she joins the cast of Drop Dead Diva for a multi-episode story arc. Well, someone will find out, because it’s on Lifetime, and no way in the world am I watching something on that channel. Except for Project Runway, because Tim Gunn is awesome. And that new Rob Lowe Lifetime movie where he has a bad mustache and says “I’m untouchable, bitch.” That kind of looks great as well. Ok fine, I watch Lifetime, I admit it.

Now, if I can, let me speak directly to Kim: Kim, oh Kim, why are you doing this? Do you really think you’re going to become a legitimate actress one day? Who could possibly ever see past the fact that you’re Kim Kardashian? I hardly think you’re going to start disappearing into your roles like Meryl Streep or something. If you were in the Iron Lady you better believe Margaret Thatcher would have had a bedazzled iPhone, said “like” a lot and worn much shorter skirts. Here’s the thing Kim, you are great at many things. Getting paid to go to clubs, getting paid to lend your name and face to products you would never use (come on, a clothing line at Sears?!), getting paid to be yourself on TV, getting paid to get married on TV, getting paid to talk about your divorce on TV, getting paid to wear very little in men’s interest magazines, etc. You know what you’re not so hot at? Things that require talent. I think your first acting gig in Disaster Movie (even you can admit that was a…well,that joke writes itself) and your not so hit single Jam prove that you should steer clear of things that talented people do, like act and sing. You’re Kim Kardashian, you are in the business of being Kim Kardashian. That’s all anybody wants out of you.

The next President(s) of the United States of America

Stephen Colbert has been mocking politicians on The Colbert Report for years, but now he’s taking his schtick to the podium, announcing himself as a fake candidate for President (but only in South Carolina). And the craziest part? His rally in South Carolina this afternoon (along with fellow fake candidate Hermain Cain) drew a much larger crowd than any other candidate’s in the state so far. That’s a lot of people taking time off work for a joke, and that is hilariously awesome.

To recap, about a year ago Colbert was given the right to create his own SuperPAC, an organization that has no official affiliation to a candidate but buys up air time slamming the opponents. How he even got this was amazing, but that was just the beginning. After a few humorous ads, Colbert got bored with the SuperPAC and handed over control to Jon Stewart so that he could concentrate on forming an exploratory committee to possibly run for President (but only in South Carolina). Of course Colbert waited far too long to get his name on the ballot, meaning he is thinking about running even though nobody can vote for him. Hermain Cain, however, is still on the ballot after dropping out of the race, and since Cain is a walking punchline, Colbert has instructed voters to vote for Hermain Cain as a proxy, in order to show their support for his potential run for President. Confused? Don’t be, it’s just as ridiculous as it sounds.

Colbert and Stewart have been having a field day mocking the “laws” surrounding campaign financing and SuperPACS, testing the limits of what “coordination” between a SuperPAC and a candidate means (in short, it’s empty words that mean nothing). And better yet, Hermain Cain, ever the lover of attention, is more than happy to join in. Him and Colbert hosted a joint rally today to encourage voters to see them as the exact same person, and as I said before, it actually got the highest turnout for any rally in the state. And with Colbert’s SuperPAC airing ads calling Mitt Romney a serial killer throughout the state, is there a chance that Colbert (I mean Cain…) will actually get a  fair share of votes? I certainly hope so, because it makes some damn good TV.

Rock me like a Hermain Cain indeed…

Party Down cater Jack Bauer’s party for killing his 1000th terrorist? I smell a crossover film!

It seems like for the past decade or so, any time a beloved show goes off the air (even when the audience who loves that is teeny tiny) rumors spring up about a continuation of the series in grand movie fashion. Of course all the fan letter writing campaigns and online petitions in the world usually can’t do much to help them get made. Of course there are the exceptions, like Sex and the City, but overall TV shows don’t end up making it to the big screen. Or when they do it’s a weird, tongue in cheek remake of a show from the 70’s or 80’s. I’m looking at you Dukes of Hazzard, The Brady Bunch, Starsky and Hutch, Get Smart…well, you get the point.

But a few months back we got some exciting news: an Arrested Development movie is actually going to be made! Then news on a Party Down movie! Then Entourage! Then 24! The floodgates have opened up, and the struggling movie business has seemingly decided this is the new trend. They’ve already done comic books (and show so sign of stopping), video games (somehow Resident Evil movies continue to get made), and toys (though Transformers will live on, the new, undoubtedly awful Battleship movie should pretty effectively kill this trend), so why not TV? I mean at least those shows, particularly 24, have a built in fan base. And even cult favorites like Arrested Development and Party Down, far more popular after cancellation, have great potential to make money. Those guys are used to working on TV budgets and their fans will surely pay to see their favorite show live on multiple times in theaters.

So I say hoorah for this new trend! Now please apply it to every canceled TV show I’ve ever loved.

The winter television season is upon us, and ABC Family came through as ever last night! College football is almost over, the NFL is ramping up towards Super Bowl XLVI, and most regular programming is still on a holiday break. You can count on Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game, both on ABC Family, to bring the pain, the suspense, and the drahhhhhma. Oh, the drama! It is so dramatic!

I don’t want to give anything away to anyone who hasn’t had a chance to watch either episode yet, but holy smokin’ moly, you guys! I was all bated breath and clenched teeth watching Pretty Little Liars! It’s not my first time at the television rodeo so I wasn’t super surprised at the Liars tricksy behavior, but I was surprised at the end! You got me, writers, I admit it. And I hope I wasn’t the only one totally squicked out at Aria and Ezra–especially Ezra, who should really, really know better. Jackie (Ezra’s ex-fiancee) may have been the theoretical enemy, but watching Ezria (right, ’shippers?) gave me the dry heaves something fierce. I had to leave the room, I was so embarrassed!

As for The Lying Game, well, it was confusing. But Charisma Carpenter (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel) showed up! She’s Annie, but Rebecca, so not Annie, but Emma thinks she’s Annie, because Emma is not Sutton and has not met Actual Annie. With me so far? Ok, so Sutton’s car is found, but she’s vanished (in the lake! She’s a mermaid!) and it’s all weird and frankly unbelievable, and so clearly an episode just used to set up the season. It was a bit of a disappointing hour, but Pretty Little Liars delivered, so I can’t be too miffed!

Onwards, Hanna, Aria, Spencer and Emily! We’ve no less days to sing A’s praise than when we’ve first begun!

It’s a sad day, dear readers, as we have lost another one of our grand Hollywood romances: Katy Perry and Russell Brand have split up. I find this to be utterly shocking! No, not that they’re getting a divorce, that was pretty much a matter of “when” not “if” since their overblown Indian wedding. I mean, I’m no relationship expert, and I believe opposites can attract, but did these two have anything at all in common? I’m going to assume Katy was a sucker for a British accent and tattoos, yet another way to rebel against her uptight midwest upbringing, and Russell was a sucker for…well the fact that Katy Perry wanted to be anywhere near him. Come on, it’s Katy Perry. No, what I find shocking is the fact that it was Russell Brand who filed for divorce! Has he looked in a mirror and then back at a picture of Katy Perry recently? Their wedding photo looks like she’s posing with a melting wax statue of an emaciated neanderthal at a low rent museum.

Now it might seem like I’m being mean to Mr. Brand (since I am insulting his looks for no good reason) but I actually like him quite a bit. The Arthur remake withstanding I think he’s a very funny guy. And as far as bubblegum pop goes I must admit Katy Perry’s songs are pretty darn catchy. So I like the both of them, I just can’t believe this divorce wasn’t filed for the night of the wedding. Seriously, what did these two have conversations about?!

Also, in unrelated celebrity divorce news, Mel Gibson will reportedly lose half his $850 million fortune once his divorce is finally settled. I hope his ex-wife really sticks it to him by using it to fund a new Jewish history museum or something…

A still frame cannot do this horror show justice

I realize there has been a lot written about the creepy, unsettling, and at times downright scary new show American Horror Story, but I am here to tell you there is a much creepier, more unsettling, even scarier new show on the air. It’s called Virgin Diaries and it is disturbing and unnerving on a whole new level. TLC is no stranger to making me queasy and filling me with the urge to cover my eyes to avoid whatever they’re showing on screen (Sister Wives recently featured a very special birth episode that was so downright creepy and weird it made the Twilight: Breaking Dawn birth scene seem normal),  but this new show takes the cake. And trust me, TLC has a lot of cake to give out, they have the Cake Boss and all his various spin-offs to provide them.

Virgin Diaries, without a doubt, is more cringe-inducing then all the Saw, Hostel and Human Centipede movies combined. Whether it’s a 35 year old virgin telling a woman on their first date that he is a virgin (much to her dismay) or 3 virgin roommates (well, one of them “reclaimed” her virginity, so that’s a total cop-out) making up lame parody songs about being virgins, this show made me audibly cringe about every 30 seconds. Ricky Gervais, take notes. None of the cringe-humor in the original Office even comes close to this. But the real stars of this episode are the couple who have never even kissed up until their wedding day. Somehow they must have avoided seeing anyone kiss ever, because boy oh boy do they not know how to do it. Check out the commercial below, with their horrifying kiss at the very end. And then count yourself lucky. They kept doing that throughout their reception. Over and over. Again and again. Nightmare inducing stuff. And let’s not even get into their post-wedding night discussion of their awkward first time…

The top three…wah wah wah

I be like whoa! Did you catch the America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars finale? Holy SNAP, Tyra! It was a rumble in the Top Model jungle, once it was revealed that the final panel was re-shot after ANTM shooting had wrapped. And why, you may ask (if you don’t already know)? Well, it’s a bit nebulous, really. Speculations abound across the internet, ranging from blaming Angelea for spilling the beans on Facebook, to Tyson Beckford spilling the beans on Twitter (though I’ve read those tweets, and I can’t make head nor tails of them).

Whatever it was, The CW said in a statement that it learned the information once shooting had wrapped and was forced to re-shoot scenes, suggesting Angelea actually won the first time around. The network said: “After production wrapped on the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model, we learned information that made Angelea ineligible and she was subsequently disqualified from the competition. As a result, new scenes were filmed to address this for the audience during the finale.”

Some fans are speculating that whatever the issue is, it has more to do with the show than Angelea personally, and The CW and ANTM producers are keeping quiet to preserve the show itself. All possible mention of Angelea was wiped from the final judging (which we didn’t even really see), and so the show ended with a small whimper rather than a triumphant bang. Allison was totally wearing a wig, practically a very bad weave, and Lisa looked crazypants as ever. Lisa, who once peed in a diaper during her cycle, ended up winning the whole shebang. Goes to prove Allison actually has a shot at modeling, since those who win are never as successful as those who don’t!

In the meantime, let’s hope whatever happened to Angelea and ANTM comes out soon! Nosy fans want to know!

Barbara Walters has announced the guests on her annual “Most Fascinating People” special for 2011, and as usual they are not really very fascinating at all. The best picks on the list are Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet (aka the gay guys from Modern Family) because at least they are talented, funny and on a great TV show, but I’m not sure how fascinating they are. As for the rest? It’s like Barbara has gone hipster on us and filled the list with the most ironic choice possible.

Simon Cowell. Oh yeah, that guy who has been around for a decade is judging a new show that is almost exactly like his old show. FASCINATING. Pippa Middleton. What an accomplishment, she’s related to Kate Middleton who is famous for marrying some guy no one in this country cares about. FASCINATING. Donald Trump. Hey, that guy who has always been a pompous jerk is still a pompous jerk but pretended he might run for President. FASCINATING. The Kardashians. One of them had a sham wedding and the other two happen to be related to her, oh and they have a clothing line at Sears. FASCINATING. Amanda Knox. She got out of a murder rap. Ok that’s somewhat FASCINATING. Katy Perry. She had whipped cream AND fireworks shoot out of her boobs in two different videos. FASCINATING. Derek Jeter. Sports? FASCINATING.

So, here is my very unofficial list, in no particular order, of who I think were the most fascinating pop culture figures of the year and who should be interviewed by Babwa Wawa.

1. Rebecca Black- She went from being a precocious kid who got her parents to fork out the cash for a fake music video by a scam “production” company to having the most mind-numbingly hummable song of the decade, “Friday.” Come on, that’s fascinating.

2. Louis CK- The veteran stand-up has come into his own over the past few years, but with the debut of his TV show Louis, which he writes, directs, edits and stars in, he completely re-defined what a TV show by a stand-up comedian could be.

3. Barry Weiss- The crazy older guy with the eccentric personality and skeleton gloves, who digs through abandoned storage units for antique treasures on the highly addictive Storage Wars. If you’ve ever seen an episode, you know why he’s one of the strangest and most charismatic people on TV.

4.Justin Bieber’s Fake Baby Mama- Because we need answers! I still do not understand what she was hoping would come of that scam.

5. Ryan Gosling- He starred in a string of successful movies, broke up a street fight in a tank top and his fans protested People magazine’s headquarters for daring to name Bradley Cooper the sexiest man of the year over him.

6. Kermit the Frog- Because The Muppets are back and we never want them to go away again. Get on the puppet bandwagon Barb.

7. Nicolas Cage- The evergreen of fascinating people. He was arrested in New Orleans while arguing with his wife about whether or not a house was actually theirs. Dog the Bounty Hunter then bailed him out. Plus this year he gave us two of his worst (and therefore best) films, Season of the Witch and the mind-boggling Drive Angry 3D, plus he is starring in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, in which he kills people with his flaming pee. Come on!

Don’t forget, Tyra’s an author, too!

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, we can give thanks for the continued frenzy and insanity of America’s Next Top Model. The All-Star Edition has given Tyra plenty of opportunities to make a fool of not only herself, but the silly wenches who signed up for the show instead of continuing on with their lives. Silly wenches! Don’t you know Tyra will wring every drop of dignity out of you and shred your self-confidence? So young, so stupid.

So, in this special edition of Top Model Thursdays (since today is Wednesday), let’s run down what exactly has happened on this topsy-turvy, one-time-only, cycle:

Nicki Minaj: Episode 1! Meet the contestants, fourteen hasbeens and neverweres from past seasons–er, cycles–and hear the prizes! This cycle, the girls are vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Express is still around? Good for them! Haterade abounds, there is fan feedback (Alexandria gets booed!) and Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. Drunken barmaid Brittany gets the boot.

Ashlee Simpson: Episode 2! Ty-overs, which in actual English means makeovers. Crying! Screaming! Rending of garments! And then a shoot with hot dogs. Seriously–you all signed up for this, willingly? It’s a sign of what’s to come, to be sure. Sheena bites the bullet, so to speak, and is sent home, lazy eye, fake boobs, and all.

Kristin Cavallari: Episode 3! Kristin pep talks the girls on how to be a reality star and break out of reality whilemaintaining your star–all while on Dancing With The Stars. Quite ironic, no? Then, they got to meet Mario Lopez! What’s up, Slater?! So exciting, to meet D-list celebrities. The photo challenge involves stilts, and Isis gets the big ol’ goodbye.

Anthony Zuiker: Episode 4! He created CSI, guys, and the girls audition for a teensy tiny role on the show. Guest role, Camille, not permanent cast member. The photo shoot is for Express, because somehow Express is still relevant, and even though Lisa’s insanity is showing, Camille is bounced for being old and boring.

LaToya Jackson: Episode 5! LaToya! Kardashians! Kardashian Kollection! Blackface! Nobody goes home! Sigh. Hello, downward spiral.

Coco Rocha: Episode 6! Never before in the history of Top Model has there been a flag football challenge! Rock of Love, yes, ANTM? No! Challenge accepted! Though, seriously, the Rock of Love one was so much better. Watch that, instead of this. Bye bye, Bre.

Kathy Griffin: Episode 7! All you need to know is that the photo challenge is inspired by Snooki and NeNe Leakes(Real Housewives of Atlanta). Seriously. Fortunately, a double elimination cuts down the number of remaining episodes: Kayla and Bianca, who was always up for a good fight, are taken out back and shot.

Game: Episode 8! The Game is now just Game, which is weird. Also weird? The Youtube “stars” that show up throughout this episode. Also weird? “Pot ledom is Top Model backwards” Gross, Tyra! It will not become a thing! But thanks for the memories, Alexandria, as you get kicked out the door.

Nikos Papadopoulos: Episode 9! Greece! Just when you think you’ve seen everything, just when you think Tyra has thrown everything she can at these poor women, just when you think they’re overseas and safe (but for the inevitable go-sees), suddenly there’s a lingerie shoot in a…giant Greek salad? Yeah. Shannon refused to participate (due to the lingerie, not the salad) and is hopefully relieved to go back to her husband and regular life. This show, man.

No One Famous Enough to Get an Episode Named After Them: Episode 10! Fake Olympics. Angelea can’t say “shot put.” Relationships are breaking down. Everyone is mean! Nigel Barker does the photoshoot, which really means the end is nigh. Finally! Although it will be without Dominique.

Tonight is a recap show (if you’d like more recap than the above). Four girls remain, with my money on Allison to bring home the dubious honors!

Oh Regis, what will TV be without you? After 28 years and a few co-hosts later, Regis is finally bidding farewell to Live! With Regis and Kelly at an unbelievable 80 years old. I say unbelievable because the guy still has the wit and energy of a 20 year old. Despite sticking around for so long, one thing you can never say about Regis is that he is past his prime, a TV icon allowed to continue his reign of morning television out of respect even as he left his prime. That’s the story for a lot of great aging celebs who don’t know how to let go of the limelight, but not Regis. He’s as entertaining and charming as ever, and if the man didn’t deserve some sort of retirement I’d say I was sad to see him go. Regis on TV  was just a fact. He was always there. And the world will be a less entertaining place without his unique brand of celebrity interviews. Though I kind of think we still have some Regis in our future, adding to his already record breaking 17,000 hours on the air. That guy likes being on TV.

But that wasn’t the only thing that came to an official end this week. So did the marriage between the one time King and Queen of Twitter: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. After weeks of rumors swirling about the Kutch’s cheating and Demi leaving him, her reps have finally confirmed that she is filing for divorce. As for Ashton? He confirmed it via tweet, of course. My biggest question is what Demi will change her name to on Twitter, since it is currently @mrskutcher. Maybe @twoandahalfmensucks? Or @myfirstexshouldbeatupmysecondex? I’m sure she’ll figure something out.